A step-by-step guide to the perfect toddler bath
1. Say goodnight to all the characters from In the Night Garden first. If they haven't gone to bed yet you don't have to either.
2. While adults are busy undressing your siblings or finding pyjamas that don't smell of wee throw everything you can see in to the bath. EXCEPT bath toys. Heavy things are especially fun and clangy. And toothbrushes. If you can find them, the little pots people keep their contact lenses in are also good for this.
3. Squeeze the bubble bath in yourself. NEVER allow the adult to do this because they are stingy and it's very satisfying to make it squelch.
4. Put your hand under the taps so water splashes on the floor. Then complain that there is water on the floor. Say "uh-oh" repeatedly while doing this.
5. If they leave the room or turn their back on you, unravel the toilet paper and dance around in it.
6. If you get down to the brown cardboard tube, celebrate by putting that in the bath.
7. No matter how little time passes between them taking your nappy off and getting in the bath you must wee on the floor.
8. When you've done it show them and say "wee" they won't know whether to congratulate you for being aware of it or tell you not to wee on the floor.
9. Once in the bath make sure to declare its too hot and refuse to sit down.
10. Then sit down.
11. Pour cups of water out of the side of the bath and splash all the dry clothes and towels even if they are on the other side of the room.
12. Suck the sponge. Occasionally take a bite out of it. Don't worry - a new one will always turn up.
12. Save your biggest splash for when they're dressing the baby in his pyjamas.
13. At the end of bath-time stand up and do a little dance. The slippier the better for freaking out the adult.
14. Then lie on your tummy for the all important "looking like you'll probably drown yourself" finale.
15. When they take you out, always always ALWAYS cry and refuse to put your pyjamas on whilst demanding your milk and bed.