3 April 2014

10 breeds of toddler

Having studied toddlers in their natural habitat, the soft play centre (more about that here) for many months, I have identified 10 distinct breeds. I have outlined them and their distinguishing features below.  You can use this like a bird-spotting guide to pass the time while your children go insane in the ball pit. Why not see how many of the breeds you can spot next time you venture into their territory?

The Gruffalo Child

The Gruffalo Child is loud and rough. They spend their time roaring, jumping out at children and generally making the more "sensitive" types cry. Gruffalo Child's parent can be seen hiding in a corner, or rolling their eyes and saying "pleeease, I have asked you 2000 times to stop being a lion at babies".

The Squealer

Squealers look like any ordinary child but makes a noise so screechy and shrill that dogs cower when they hear it! No one can be sure if the Squealer is afraid for their life or having the most fun ever. If you are responsible for a Squealer, please provide ear protection for surrounding adults (toddler ears seem oblivious to the horrendous noise).

The Stealth Pusher

Beware the stealth pusher. This cute looking kid, possibly with pigtails or a sweet little curl in their hair, will scour the room for watchful parents and wait for the split second they're not being watched to push your kid over. Or pull their hair. Or trip them up. Sly little blighters! They'll also deny having done anything wrong and their stupid parent will believe them. Warning: your child may be the Stealth Pusher!

The Remote Control Car

This mini whirlwind appears to be concerned only with covering every square inch of the soft play. They'll run randomly across the floor, only changing direction when they bump into a wall or another toddler. They are oblivious to all other life forms.

The Starey Cat

Y'know those kids who silently appear at your side for a good long stare at you. You can try to smile, say hello, ask their name. The Starey Cat won't budge. 

The Slow Burner

This quiet toddler type may seem like a full on starer but they'll eventually warm up and crack a smile.  Before long they'll be talking you ear off and bringing you coloured balls to show their affection! 

The Architect

This Lone Ranger is concentrating all his or her efforts into building a fort with the squashy bricks. Woe betide anyone who knocks down the Architect's project!

The Looper

The Looper has found the perfect route through the soft play and they're wasting no time exploring elsewhere. Rope ladder, squeezy rollers, big slide, repeat.

The Pile-up Penguin

This nervous type will climb (slowly) to the top of the soft play tower, cautiously sit on the slide and then freeze, causing a toddler pile up behind themselves. 

The CurlySlide Cowboy

This fearless little fella flaunts all the rules of soft play and common sense by climbing UP the snakey slide! Is it that wrong that I sort of hope someone kicks them in the head?

Do you recognise your own toddler in the list? Mine is a Pile-up Penguin / Starey Cat hybrid.

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  1. Absolutely!!! No judging of parents here at all, with any kind of toddler :). All blogs meant to cheer people up not to judge anyone! :) Thanks

  2. Alison Pashley3 April 2014 at 15:18

    Haha!! B is a cross between a pile up penguin and a slow burner!! Def know a couple of stealth pushers too.... ;-)

  3. Haha, I live in fear that MY boy will be the stealth pusher! :) x

  4. Remote control car/looper - ARGH!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Hee! Very funny.

    I think my boy might be in another group called "The 'Not Of This World' Child" (These ones ignore the soft play and take no part in what everyone else is doing, but spend the whole time pretending to be an animal, to the general bafflement of other children around them)

  6. Vicky Włodarczyk16 April 2014 at 13:53

    That was so cute! :D http://earliestpregnancysymptoms.net/