12 May 2014

iMum

I went out recently. On my own. For over 30 minutes. Without the baby. OR the toddler.

I left the boys at home with Daddy, Peppa Pig and some formula milk.

And off I went.

It was WEIRD.

Seriously weird. Like waking up in a foreign country weird, dizzying, loud and confusing weird. I was only in Brent Cross. A place I have been several times both with and without children. But it's been a long and intense time since Boy2 was born. I was totally overwhelmed by the sights and sounds of normal life without the babies to filter it all through. I didn't know how to interact with the world without them. What was I supposed to do?

I felt like an iPhone switched to airplane mode. I was still technically ON. Still lit up, I looked the same, and was still functioning (on a basic level). But I didn't have 90% of the thoughts I usually have in my head. None of my Mum-apps were in use! 

My brain went from this... 




To this...


No internal stopwatch counting down the minutes to the next nap. 

No subconscious risk assessing running in the background to prevent accidents/spillages/tantrums.

No food planning app working out how long it will be before the toddler needs RAISINS NOW.

No jiggle function to soothe the baby while walking.

No weather prediction app constantly assessing and calculating how many layers the boys should be wearing. 

No podcast playing providing a verbal running commentary of the day. 

No alarm going off in my head on sight of breakable objects.

No parking finder app choosing the perfect spot with room for car seat removal, buggy space and easy access to shops. 

No nappy map app, working out the closest baby change in case of poomergency.

No Mummy YouTube of silly voices, faces and songs to distract, entertain or soothe. 

No satnav calculating paths wide enough for the double buggy. 

No reminders pinging to tell me to pick up that baby shoe or confiscate that mushed banana. 

No camera capturing moments of cuteness or hilarity. 

I felt useless! Like a Nokia 3310 with no credit. A simple, lifeless object with nothing to do but wander around aimlessly eating... like the Snake in Snake. My only challenge being not to walk into walls or myself*. 



(*reference to classic mobile phone game before smart phones existed, in case you're under 25)

As well as switching off all my Mum-apps, the airplane mode makes you invisible. I went totally unnoticed all day. No one to talk to and nothing to say. It felt odd that no one stopped to talk to me. No one smiled or complimented me as I went past like they would with the boys. No one shouted my name, tugged on my sleeve or told me to look at that dog. 

And not a single person held my hand or asked for a cuggle! 

Life without them is calmer. It's easier. It's mindless and relaxing and slow...

... and a bit boring! 

5 comments:

  1. Amy, you are genius! This is absolutely hilarious. I'd give you a cuggle for this. Not in a weird way. Just an "I love the way you blog it, yo diggidy" way (that's a test to see how old you are). x

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  2. lol. Old enough to have that stuck in my head all night now! Thanks! xx

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  3. This is so funny and so true. For a while when I first went back to work after each of mine I would find myself standing and rocking as if I was still holding them :-)x

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  4. Fabulous, and I'm so glad it's not just me who is constantly whirring away consuming far too much power when with child, and comatose without! The boy has been at nursery for a while now so I've gotten used to it, and even learned to semi-function, but the lack of attention still really gets me. Ridiculous, isn't it?

    Love the new layout, by the way!

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  5. I feel incredibly lost without them. But I quite enjoy just having one of them with me - That is so much easier than both and quite a calming experience! x

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