18 June 2014

How to make a birthday cake...

...whilst looking after 2 children under 2.

Preparation is key. Do none.

Start at a leisurely hour. Approx 8am is a good time, you've had a couple of hours watching Peppa pig, then playing in the sand pit and got 2 breakfasts under your belt.

First things first: Put the baby in a highchair (the one from second breakfast, smeared in green/brown avocado and banana mush.)

Give him toys (by which I mean a variety of objects to throw on the floor).

Don't think to put an apron on yourself or the toddler, you already both look like you don't own a washing machine. (See avocado/banana mush above, that is smeared across both shoulders.)

Crack four eggs into a bowl and weigh them while the toddler whisks them with his hands. 

Get the toddler a spoon.

Pick up baby's toys (your keys, some batteries and a vegetable peeler).

Attempt to weigh equal quantities of flour and margarine into the bowl while the toddler grabs everything you touch and screams "MINE DO IT".

Correct his grammar until he screams "ME'S DOING IT" then "GET OFF MUMMY, IT'S MY TURN". Congratulate him for a perfectly formed sentence and hand over the bowl for expert toddler stirring.

Remember sugar when toddler says "Where's the sugar?". (Clever clogs)

Pick up the baby's toys again (cheese grater, matches, glass bottle).

Add half the required amount of sugar knowing with certainty that the toddler will add more himself.

Pick up the toys. Sellotape them to the baby's hands.

Leave toddler to gorge on the cake mixture covered spoon and spilled pile of sugar.

Pick up the whinging baby.

Do everything from this point forward one handed whilst bobbing up and down.

Chuck a packet of raspberries into the mixture to make it dead posh and grown up.

Tear some grease proof paper with your teeth. Shove it unceremoniously into the only cake tin you can find. Pour cake mix in without toddler noticing.

Don't set a timer for the cake.

Remove the toddlers cake ridden clothes and rinse his sugar coated hands and face.

Get out paper and pens to make Daddy's birthday card.

Check cake.

Return to find toddler has decorated their entire body with the purple pen.

Feed the baby, while encouraging toddler to actually draw something on the paper. 

Put postman pat on.

Check the cake.

Put baby on the floor while you get wrapping paper to wrap Daddy's present. (Socks obviously).

Return to find baby holding a pen and covered in pen marks.

(Sincere apologies for lack of baby pen face picture but things got pretty hectic from here on in...)

Remove pens. 

Give baby wrapping paper to eat.

Wrap present.

Look at the clock and realise you're going to be late for toddler football. 

Coax toddler into clothes using lies about footballers wearing shark print surf shorts. 

Change baby. Attempt to wipe pen marks off everyone with wet wipes. Fail.

Pick up car keys, put baby in car seat, put toddler shoes on.

Remember cake that was nearly done 45 minutes ago.

Get cake out of oven. Breathe a sigh of relief it's not TOO burnt.

Drop. the. cake. on. the. floor.


... Go to toddler football.

Have lunch, tidy up while kids nap, play in the garden after lunch. 

Remember about the cake. Go to the supermarket for ready made icing and sprinkles when both kids are tired and hungry.

Chase toddler around shop for 45 minutes while the baby cries.

While perusing the sprinkles, allow toddler to wander along the aisle looking at jam.

Sprint to catch toddler who has pressed the button and got into an empty lift.

Have minor heart attack when loud speaker announces "Apologies for inconvenience, our tills are experiencing difficulties processing many card payments". Thank god you have a Tesco credit card!

Attempt to spread icing while toddler takes chunks out of the cake and baby uses sprinkles as a rattle. 

Give up all hopes of a reasonable looking cake.

Pour yourself a gin and tonic.

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