4 September 2014

18 things parents think about other people having babies

Here's what I feel when I learn that a close friend or relative is expecting their first baby.

1. Yay! What lovely happy news. A baby! How brilliant. I'm so happy for them!

2. Awww man. I want a baby! When can we have another one?

3. Squeeee! Cute little baby hats! I'm going to buy it a hat. Baby hats are the bomb. And a blanket. I love baby blanket shopping.

4. Oh look, a scan picture. A poor quality image, identical to all other 12 week scans since the dawn of time. Ahem, I mean "WOW! Isn't it clear? Look it's got a cute little nose!"

5. Oh god. They're having a actual BABY. I don't think they're ready. It's impossible to be ready.

6. Oh my poor, sweet, innocent friends. They have no frickin idea how exhausting and challenging and relentless and intense and life consuming and mind warping being a parent is. No idea.

7. Ho hum. We'll probably only see the baby and therefore it's parents about twice in the next 18 months....  Nevermind. One day it'll be older and they'll turn up to more stuff. 

8. How do they even know they want a baby? It's like saying you're going to live on Mars. Y'know, because you can't know you want to live on Mars without going there first. You can't 'go there first' with parenthood. I thought I knew. I didn't know.

9. So exciting for them. They're going to find out how madly in love you can be with another person. They think they love each other more than anything in the world and their hearts are about to expand 1000 times with how much they're going to love the baby.  

10. HAHAHAHAHAAAAA. Non-parent expectations of post-baby life. Just lol. Yes dear, of COURSE you should get glasto tickets for 4 weeks after it's born. No, no, I know you won't let it change your life. 

11. Brilliant. Soon they'll be one of us. They'll ACTUALLY understand how important it is to get home by naptime.

12. Bugger. More parents in our lives: more people who can't afford to come out; more people who won't babysit for us; more nap schedules to organise our lives around. 

13. Their kid will only be (*insert number of months here*) younger than ours. In 3 years they can play together while we drink Pimms and have BBQs. Perfect! (Until then, lets half heartedly try to arrange social gatherings but never get round to it because we've got babies).

14. Ergh, what if they're one of those freak families who somehow manage to stay being fully functional, fresh faced human beings with a baby who sleeps all night, isn't covered in sick, naps anywhere and only feeds every 4 hours from day 1? I can't be friends with those people. 

15. Must resist urge to laugh in their faces when discussing their parenting ideas. "Mmm, no TV until they're 10, and only wooden toys? Yes that'll be great for them"

16. Try not to terrify them. Try not to terrify them. Try not to terrify them.
"When do they usually start sleeping through the night??"
(*Lie brain, lie*)
"Oh about 8 weeks I think it was"

17. I hope they don't read my blog.

18. Must try to palm off all our pointless old baby crap on them so it can clutter up their shed instead of ours. 

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