24 September 2014

iOS 9 (months)

Never mind your phone's new operating system, my BABY just got a software update that I didn't even get a choice in downloading.

Here's a quick run down of the features of my new and so-called 'improved' iOS 9 month baby.

Charging time

Gone are the days of 3 charging sessions a day, when the darling thing powered down to re-charge. Updated iOS 9 babies can charge for as little as 20 minutes and wake up ready to run a marathon. This is exhausting for owners but somewhat more convenient than having to schedule your entire life around endless charging.

"zzzzzzzzzzz.... HIYA!"

The iOS 9 has introduced a large selection of new audio outputs.
No longer content with a selection of 3 cries to signify hunger, tiredness and general discontent, you can now enjoy:

  • shouting, 
  • yelling, 
  • 'singing' (like yelling only happier and in response to music), 
  • 'talking' (saying dadadada, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, lalalalala and t-t-t-t-t-t-t but notably NOT mama) 
  • and my favourite, the blood curdling scream. 

Quad core processor

The new and updated baby has one extremely impressive, albeit entirely pointless, feature. They can now process the whole gamut of human emotion at lightning speed. Mine can, for example, go from hand clapping, giggling joy to back arching, ear splitting devastation in 0.2 seconds. It's amazing, and fascinating to observe... but I'm hoping for a slower processor in the next update.


The update did bring some pleasing improvements to interactivity such as

  • huge, person specific grins, 
  • the ability to instigate a thrilling game of peekaboo, 
  • the willingness, nay longing to put a soggy half eaten biscuit in your mouth and 
  • an adorable 'doing the actions to action songs' function.
There are also big improvements in sibling interaction, like 'sharing' and 'cuddling', by which obviously I mean 'grabbing toys' and 'clambering all over'.

Look at them 'sharing' so nicely...

Overall the interactivity in the new update is a great improvement and very enjoyable. I do have one small complaint in this area though, because while we can now show that we're happy and we know it by clapping hands and stamping feet, the nodding of the head function seems to have been left out.

Size and weight

As with all baby updates, the increase in size and weight from the last update seems disproportionate as I now have to lug around a child that weighs roughly the same as a baby elephant and requires clothes that are labelled for a 12-18 month old. This is not welcome and I think the update should also provide daily doses of ibuprofen for the back ache caused by manhandling this bear-sized-child all day long.

Giant baby thigh

Increased Memory Capacity

The new baby has a longer and more advanced memory meaning which allows him to recall at all times the location of the nearest plot of gravel or sand* in order to demand to be taken there. It's also used for finding old snacks behind sofa cushions, demand the opening of cupboards previously known to contain snacks and other snack procuring behaviours.

*The love of gravel and sand is also new and is another superfluous feature that frankly, I could do without.

Mobile and Wireless

The iOS 9 baby is almost fully mobile, although my model appears to have developed unbalanced mobility skills. Yet to fully master the 4 legged crawling mode, opting instead for a labour intensive dragging of his belly along the ground, he has chosen to concentrate on setting off on 2 legs. (In order to discourage this nonsense I have taken to reading him excerpts of Animal Farm).

While mobility functions are somewhat underdeveloped, the iOS 9 update does include new 'drag adult human' capabilities and once gripping on to adult fingers, the baby can force them to walk anywhere.
(I say anywhere... I mean to the nearest gravel or sand.  Or snacks.)


Not included in the update

Despite great improvements and new functionality, iOS 9 still lacks ANY fear of hot, heavy, fast-moving or sharp objects. In fact it seems to have upped the baby's desire to touch, pick up and eat dangerour items. This makes for exhausting levels of supervision, made worse by the improvements in mobility. Common sense setting would be very welcome in the next update!

Also requiring updating is the sleep function. A full 14 hours at night would be preferred.

And finally, would it be asking too much if, perhaps next time an 'eating without smearing food into every orifice' setting could also be included?