29 October 2014

Things to do before having a baby

Here's my 12 step programme to get you ready for parenthood:


1. Make sure all the doors and floorboards in your house are silent. Disconnect the doorbell and the house phone. From now on, anything that can wake a sleeping baby, will wake a sleeping baby and is therefore your arch nemesis. 

2. Learn to prepare, chop and eat food one handed. While jiggling. Single handed toast spreading is  particularly tricky but will serve you well for many years. *Top tip: lower your standards, you don't need the spread to reach all corners, heck, you can even just wipe the toast across the tub of utterly butterly if you're desperate* (Not that I've done that...... recently)

3. Take all the CDs out of your car and disable the radio. You won't need good music where you're going. Replace your entire music collection with one low budget annoying Nursery Rhymes CD. Occasionally, repeat one song on that CD continually for 2-3 days.




4. Squats. Do slow but rhythmic squats for 45 mins, 3 times a day and 4 or 5 times a night. Your leg muscles will thank you for this preparation when the baby arrives. 

5. Remove mirrors from your house and car. Ignorance is bliss when it comes to unwashed hair, bags under eyes and the fact you've aged 10 years in 10 weeks.

6. Practice holding in a wee for hours. Especially when sitting down, in a slightly uncomfortable position. Also drink your entire daily intake of liquid in one go, standing at the sink. Once your baby arrives you will forget your own basic human needs and only remember to drink water when you (eventually) do a wee resembling flat coke. 

7. Get a thermos for your tea. One with a lid.



8. Throw away all your nice clothes and jewellery. Leave yourself with leggings, jeans, and a selection of comfy tops. Invest in a "mum coat", no style but lots of pockets for tissues and a hood to hide your greasy hair. For a more detailed run down of your future wardrobe, read this spot on blog from BrummyMummyof2).

9. While you're in a throwing things away mood, just throw everything nice that you own away. You won't have the time or energy to enjoy nice things anymore. It will only be destroyed by the children anyway and you need to make space for the endless tide of plastic crap that's about to take over your house.

10. Cancel your Netflix and Sky subscriptions. In fact, just set your TV to cbeebies and burn the remote.




11. Perhaps the only nice things you own that you shouldn't throw away are your 'devices' (as they now seem to be known). Invest in extreme hardcore phone and iPad cases. Do not scrimp on these. If the advert says 'will protect against nuclear disaster' that should be ok. 

12. Buy shares in Calpol. That stuff is the liquid gold.


Note: If you are actually having a baby and came here for advice... maybe you should also buy a couple of babygrows and some nappies. Apart from that, you're all set! :)

4 comments:

  1. I think I have ALL THE SHARES in calpol! AND NUROFEN! x

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  2. Ha ha spot on Amy! except as Donna said you need calpol and nurofen on rotation for max effect :) x

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  3. Haha great post! Also learn to listen without actually listening :) x

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  4. Excellent and so very true... WHO KNEW you could learn to do so much with one hand?!

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