18 November 2014

House Pregnancy

We are currently embroiled in the most agonising, boring, frustrating and all-consuming process we have ever been through, second only to pregnancy.

We are house pregnant. Waiting for the stork to deliver us our brand new family home to love and cherish for years to come. And just like being actual pregnant, being house pregnant SUCKS.





The "Celebrating"

When people knew we were trying for a new house, they were excited for us. Everyone exclaimed how lovely it would be and how brilliant a new home, in a new location would be for all of us.
I thought they were right, just like I believed them when I was pregnant with my first child. Now I see. It's the same trick both times, those of us who have been through the hell of a new house or a new baby hide all the truth from the naive first timers, tricking them into thinking something awesome is about to happen. Except it isn't. In both situations something truly, horribly painful is about to happen.

The Advice

Just like being pregnant, moving house is open season on strangers, friends and relatives telling you what, where and how to do absolutely everything:

"Ooh, don't buy round there, that dodgy family used to live on the next street"

"You're not eating for 2 you know"

"Whatever you do, don't get into a chain"

"Sit down, put your feet up, rest while you can!"

"The road'll be too noisy for the kids"

"You have to call the solicitor EVERY DAY  or nothing will happen"

Look, I didn't care when you told me how to be pregnant and I don't care now. 




The Expectation vs The Reality

With a baby you see the scan, pretend you think the foetus has your husband's nose and spend months giving the unborn child imagined characteristics like "lively" and "cheeky" based on it's leg movements. Then you meet it and the supposed joy-bundle poos black tar all over your chest moments after it's born and cries continuously for 3 months.

You choose your house based on pictures online and looking around it for 10 minutes max. Then after spending months waiting to 'meet' the house properly, and picturing where your sofa will go and cosy nights in front of the fireplace, you discover the back room smells, the front door doesn't shut properly and the bathroom floor is really slippy.


The Waiting

The nine months spent growing a baby seem to fly by, until the last 8 weeks, which last approximately 8 years. But at least there's an upper limit. 10 months after the start of your pregnancy, you're guaranteed to no longer be pregnant. Not so with House Pregnancy.
The first few weeks whizz by in a haze of viewing properties and making coffee every time a potential buyer comes round.
 Then you choose your house and someone says they'll buy your house and you think it's all done! Huzzah! We're moving. But then every day after that drags until you've forgotten you're even buying a new house at all. The feeling of restlessness just becomes part of you as you succumb to the potentially neverending noman's land of solicitors letters. 

Preparing the children

Whether you're having a new baby or moving house, you try to prepare your current children for a big change and you always, always get it a bit wrong.

With a new baby you buy them a doll, teach them it's best not to hit it, bite it or cover its face with a pillow and (most importantly) that they must NEVER wake a sleeping baby.  You explain the whole milk out of boobs thing, and reassure them you will still love them. You think you've covered every angle until one day they say "the baby can come out now. It's my turn to get in your tummy"... Ummm... 

Similarly with moving house, we have read books, watched TV shows and talked and talked and talked about moving house with our older son. We thought we had fully explained the concept until one day when the eldest cried a dreadfully sad cry and eventually said (drowning in snot and tears) "I don't want the man who buys our house to have all my clothes and all my toys". Not a problem, quickly resolved with a quick explanation of the concept of 'removal van'. All sorted, until a few weeks later:
"Where will Sarah live in our new house?" (Sarah the next door neighbour's 4 year old, who ISN'T moving 60 miles away to stay living next door to us.)



The Impatience of Others

In actual pregnancy, as your gigantic bump gets in the way of everything from eating to tying shoelaces, people hound you with the age old classic question: "haven't you had that baby yet?" And how we all laugh, except the pregnant woman herself who weeps and curses you under her breath.

Well who knew people were equally witty about house moving?! In the world of house buying we are 42 weeks pregnant with no sign of being induced. If one more person asks me "haven't you moved house yet?" I will cry like a hormonal pregnant whale and beat them over the head with my pile of solicitors correspondence. 


NO WE HAVEN'T MOVED IN YET. 


I'm trying to remain positive though: I guess at least with house pregnancy there are no piles, heartburn or varicose veins to contend with. And no matter how many floors we damage while furniture moving, my pelvic floor will remain in tact this time!

6 comments:

  1. That scan photo is hilarious! House pregnant! Ha! When you finally move I will be coming over with two kids to run riot and cake. Tea, cake and screaming kids ;) x

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  2. Yes! Please do! It'll be around 2017 ;) xxx

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  3. Hahaha! Yes totally with you on this. The last time we moved was 13 years ago. I proclaimed never again after that. We're staying put, I'm determined!

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    1. We have to move house again in 2 years. Waaaah!

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  4. Brilliant post Amy 😄 and I feel your pain!! X

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  5. Thank you for making me endlessly better about still being a renter at 33! Seriously though, I hope the end is in sight soon x

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