14 November 2014

Thoughts you have at 3am when your child won't sleep

The middle of the night is a dark and lonely time when your "old enough to sleep better" offspring are torturing you with frequent wakings, demands for milk or just plain sleep refusal. 

My 11 month old son has a medical condition called "boobaholism" whereby his body apparently shuts down causing him to thrash around as if in agony if his lips haven't touched a nipple in 4 hours. It's a serious and tiresome condition. 

These are a few of the thoughts that come to me at 3am as I repeatedly fail to detach the giant limpet from my breast.

1.  I can't wait for my kids to have babies so I can join in with the worldwide official secrets act in which anyone over the age of 50 pretends their babies "just slept through". (No they bloody didn't!!! You are ALL LIARS!)

2. If I "tripped" and fell on the way back to bed I could pretend I hit my head. Then I could go to A&E for the night and be woken every 15 mins for observations. I would probably get more sleep.

3. My husband might not believe me... So maybe I should ACTUALLY break a limb. I'm sure it won't hurt too much.

4. Would it be possible to eat so much disgusting food that my breastmilk tasted so gross he wouldn't want it anymore? 

5. When you're 14 I'm going to hack your phone so it wakes you with a shrill screeching sound for 20 minutes every 45 minutes. 

6. Let's make a deal. I'll let you eat the TV controller and smash every ornament you ever see if you will JUST SLEEP AT NIGHT.

7. How can I get a nap tomorrow? What exactly would happen if I took the kids to soft play, left them there and had a sleep in the car? 

8. What the hell will happen when I go back to night shifts? I should probably warn the neighbours. 

9. Why is this happening to me? STILL? I can take sleepless nights with a newborn but you are practically old enough to drive. 

10. Are there pins in the mattress that cause him to wake up screeching the moment his back hits the cot?

11. This wouldn't be so bad if I could watch TV.

12. If only my husband didn't know me so well, I could pretend an elderly relative was dying and "go say goodbye" for a few days. No one would expect me to take the suckling piglet with me to such a sombre occasion.

13. Maybe if I pretend I don't want him to sleep, he'll do it to spite me. Let's see how he likes food shopping at 4am shall we? You wanna be awake punk? Let's be awake!!!

14. Don't count how many minutes are left until the day starts. Don't count, don't count, don't count!! DAMN IT, that's hardly any time to sleep even if I was asleep now! 

15. That's it. You're going cold turkey on the boob tomorrow son. No more breastfeeding EVER. Hooray!!!

16. Omg, no more breastfeeding? How will I cope? I need my baby! Don't sleep through the night, don't grow up, stay my baby! That's right, you refuse to sleep in a cot darling, my arms are the only place you're safe. 


  1. I liked the 'leave kids in soft play and go sleep' one the best. People have TOTALLY done that! x

  2. I am reading this at 4.47 am. I vote lets go food shopping xx

    1. I'm in. Meet you at Tescos at 4:20am tomorrow morning? I'll be in the chocolate aisle!

  3. Shopping is a good idea. I should try that. 16 months old and no signs of stopping. Time to be cut off.

    1. Oh no! I can't do another 5 months!!