6 December 2014

How Christmas changes when you have children

Ah Christmas is coming. Lovely, relaxing, boozy, joyous, gluttonous Christmas.

Well not anymore sucker, you went and had babies didn't you, and ruined the whole bloody thing!!!

Let me fill you in on the things you'll miss about Christmas once you have little sprites of your own to make it 'magical' for...

Christmas Shopping

Remember in your early twenties before kids, and you had disposable income? When you had money to spend on romantic gestures, gifts for your friends, a new outfit for YOURSELF for Christmas Day? Well those days are long gone buddy. Kids suck up all your money along with your time and energy. Now you have no spare money to get your partner anything they actually want. 

No, now you'll get your husband "World's Best Dad" socks "from the kids" while your stupid maternal infatuation tricks you into accidentally spending a fortune on things for the kids that they don't even understand. (Hello Complete Works of Dr Suess for my 6 month old first born.)

Even sadder than that is the fact you'll do ALL of your Christmas shopping online. No one can brave the Christmas shops with 2 toddlers in tow, so you won't be browsing and finding inspiration in the shops, listening to the Christmas tunes, sipping a festive coffee. Eggnog latte anyone?... Oh no, not for you.  You will be frantically googling "gifts for 5 year olds" and "presents for Grandma" in bed in the few short hours between the kids bedtime and your own.


Of course, of course, 'tis better to give than to receive, but receiving was nice too wasn't it? Remember when YOU used to get presents??

Before children I would receive presents from my parents, my partner, 5 sets of uncles and aunts, my grandparents, my two older (richer) brothers and my in-laws. That's quite a list eh? Well now it's quite a list of people who buy presents for my kids. No more presents for Mama! 

That's the rule: if they used to buy you a present and you had a kid, they now but them a present. Sure, it's a sensible rule. Yes, I adore watching the little ones open and play with their gifts. Obviously, Christmas is all about the kids, their joy is our joy, yadda yadda yadda but .... I do sort of miss getting presents! 


Christmas isn't Christmas without a healthy serving of alcohol sloshed across every meal. Well goodbye boozy Christmasses. I haven't had a drink at Christmas since 2010. Not because I'm tee-total, but because I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for the past 4 years.

Well this year is my year people, I'm not pregnant, my kids will both be over 1. I'm going to get totally inebria-... Oh wait. The little one still gets up in the night and wakes up at 6am, and shows absolutely no signs of abstaining from boob for a night! Another bleedin' year on the orange juice it is! DAMN YOU KIDS!

Christmas Do's

Work parties with free mulled wine. Nights out on the town in sparkly tops drinking warm cider with friends you haven't seen for ages. Getting drunk and going to midnight mass to sing carols. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Spending your weekends mosying around Christmas markets with the love of your life, choosing new scarves and eating warm mince pies.
Nope. No more of those leisurely activities for you parents.

Sure, you can TRY to take the kids to a Christmas Market, but you won't be sipping gluhwein and chowing down on a Christmas wurst. You'll be wrestling coats on toddlers with blue lips who claim not to be cold and searching for a place warm enough to change the baby's nappy without giving him willy frostbite! 


Oh what I would give for a relaxing Christmas Day! Lounging on the sofa, watching a Christmas film, a long game of trivial pursuits with a G&T. Sure there were always minor stresses on Christmas Day, will the cabbage be overlooked? is the turkey actually cooked? Does Granny really like her new cardigan?
God how I long for those to be my Christmas Day stresses again.
Now the day is ruled by nap times which are put out of whack and the resultant nightmare baby. Toddler tantrums from everyone being expected to share their brand new amazing toys with their siblings and cousins. The utter festive mayhem of hyperactive toddlers with all their relatives to show off to. And towards the evening, the worrying whether they'll EVER fall asleep and let you sit down with an Irish coffee! 

Christmas Dinner

Of course the biggest disappointment of Christmas with children is the dinner! No more sitting around the table laughing and eating for 2 solid hours. Gorging on pigs in blankets, going back for second and third helpings of roast potatoes. Nope. Forget it parents. 

Christmas Dinner is now approximately 9 minutes long. You have to wolf down your meal, shovel something into your kids' mouths before they inevitably get restless and start demanding to get down. Then you get to spend the rest of the meal playing "shops" for the 85th time while listening to the other grown ups enjoying their special meal. If you're lucky they MIGHT let you pop back to the table to scoff down a portion of pudding but it'll probably be bedtime or bathtime or someone will be in time out. 

There is also a law that means you ALWAYS miss the setting fire to the pud fun because someone's nappy explodes all over their elf costume!

1 comment:

  1. This is so true - EVERYONE buys the kids presents EVEN santa!!!!!! x