18 March 2015

Breastfed babies are stupid



In the news today everyone was reporting the results of an extensive research study that has concluded breastfed babies grow up to be clevererer than bottle fed babies and also earn more money. 

If I learnt anything at university it was trust in good quality randomised control studies always question things for yourself! So in the interest of science, I have conducted a little study of my own today. In fairness, I only had access to 2 subjects. (We'll call them subject A and subject B) and I have no bottle fed babies to compare them with, so my trial is somewhat lacking a control arm but I think you'll find the results speak for themselves.




  • Subject A: breastfed for 12 months. Now 32 months old. No GCSEs. Unemployed.

  • Subject B: breastfed for 14 months. Now 15 months old. No GCSEs. Unemployed.

In a bid to get to the real truth behind the higher intelligence and greater earnings potential I conducted a series of interviews, observations and scientifically controlled tests on subjects A and B.

Here are my findings:

Intelligence

In a simple arithmetic test, subject A gave the answer "4 raisins" to every single question. This gained him a pathetic 1/10.

Subject B ripped up the test sheet, ate it, put his finger in his belly button and laughed. 0/10.

Observational findings:

Subject A was seen to repeatedly pour water over himself and then cry because his clothes were wet.

Subject B pointed to a cow and a goat and both times said "dog". 



Sickness

Sickness was assessed as a means of predicting future employability and earnings potential.

Subject A has recently been off sick from his educational establishment for 10 days with "chicken dots" (one can only assume he means the varicella zoster virus.) Upon his return, subject A vomitted within 15 minutes of arrival. This kind of absence is hardly indicative of a future FTSE 100 CEO. 

Subject B was dripping mucus and saliva all over the researcher during the interviews and according to medical records has had a cough for 4 consecutive months. When questioned, Donald Trump confirmed it was unlikely he would hire a child with this sickness record.



Work ethic

As a measure of work ethic, the subjects were asked to complete a series of "helpful" tasks around the home.

Subject A completed 2 tasks before declaring himself both "too tired" and conflicting "too busy dancing" to help anymore.

Subject B worked tirelessly for 45 minutes moving objects around the home, cleaning surfaces and emptying and filling boxes. Notably however, none of the tasks completed were the ones asked of him and most were extremely unhelpful. 



Social Skills

Strong social skills are required for success and future earnings. In an interview designed to assess how charismatic and engaging the subjects were, subject A put his fingers in the interviewer's mouth. When he was asked to cease this behaviour, the subject cried, lay on the floor and screamed "never talk to me".
Subject B was extremely friendly, but also showed a worrying lack of understanding of social norms as he repeatedly attempted to put his hand down the interviewers's top. 

Conclusions

Both subjects were breastfed for an extended period of time and both scored below average on IQ, social intelligence, work ethic and general health. We can therefore conclude that breastfeeding does not in fact make you clever or likely to succeed in life. If these subjects are anything to go by, it makes you dim-witted, socially unaware and really quite snotty.

16 comments:

  1. Love this,breastfed 3 myself and so far there's definitely no Doc's here just Grumpy,Sleepy and Dopey :D x

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  2. Lol, this is brilliant! Just goes to show sometimes you can make research say whatever you want it to! :-)

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  3. Haha, I chuckled all the way through this. :D

    Jenna at Tinyfootsteps xx

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  4. Very clever and funny. I have 3 breastfed kids that so far aren't a threat to Einstein...

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  5. I cannot love this enough, I tip my hat to you x

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  6. That's excellent. Really brightened my morning :D

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  7. I love this. Of my three breastfed babies, I currently have two at home: one recovering from surgery for her always-infected ears, the other recovering from his always-infected chest. Unfortunately, I don't think I kept my receipt.

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  8. Haha Love this! But as I laughed, I saw the cold, hard facts. My two breastfed children aren't that clever either. I guess I better go back to work soon as they'll probably be living with us forever. ;)

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  9. Brilliant post! The dog part made me laugh out loud. Thank you for carrying out such a thorough and scientific study - extremely useful :)

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  10. Haha - they are very cute though - so breastfeeding must be doing something right. xxx Do you know that 4567 statistics are made up on the spot x

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  11. This is fab! Funny and supportive is a great combo. It's always nice when mums who BF stand up for those who didn't: good on ha girl!

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  12. I had five children, two bottles fed and three breastfed, all bright, intelligent and educated. One of them went on to qualify as a doctor at only 22 years old, needless to say she was bottles fed!

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  13. Love this, really made me laugh. Just shows you can do whatever you like with scientific studies!
    My kids were breastfed for 10, 15 and 16 months. The one fed for 16 months is pretty much a genius, with the 15 month one top of her class. The 10 month one is above average, but not in the same ball park as the other two. So maybe there is some truth in it?!

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