19 October 2015

The Novelty Parent Rulebook

Are you the novelty parent or the default parent?

Do your kids come to you first as the default when asking things like "when's dinner?" and "where are my pants?" or are they more likely to come to you for pressing matters like "are owls made of fluff?" and "could you eat a dinosaur?".

Being the novelty parent has its down sides sure, I mean you are usually the one who has to enter soft play on a weekend and you miss out on a lot of tantrums cute stuff the kids say and do. Plus you get the brunt of the default parent's wrath after they've had a day of toddler/baby related frustration. So here's a quick set of rules to help you avoid that wrath.

If you're still not sure if you're default or novelty, here's a quick guide:

The Default Parent: 
  • Has to explain and justify to all family members if/when they leave the house alone.
  • Knows where every member of the family is and their current mental state.
  • Knows whose clothes belong to who and whether they are clean or not.
The Novelty Parent:
  • Parents during set hours of the day. (ie 6:30-7:00am and 5:30-7:00pm)
  • Has an actual life.
  • Has a weird idea that being at home with toddlers equates to 'down time'.
Ok, so now we know which parent is which in your house, here are the rules:

Rule One
*The Change Bag Rule*

Leave the default's change bag EXACTLY as you found it. For more details on this see here
Unacceptable states for change bag to be handed back to the default include: nappyless; with a USED nappy in; with wet clothes in. You wouldn't borrow a colleague's laptop and mess around with the desktop would you? WOULD YOU?!

Rule Two
*The Eye-Roll Rule*

If you get home from work and the kids are being mental (y'know, shreiking like banshees, putting your keys in the bin, rolling frozen peas across the bathroom floor?) hold your eye roll. You have experienced this behaviour for 5 minutes. The default is likely to have been putting up with this shit for upwards of 10 hours. You don't get to do the "these kids are driving me mad" eye roll. You haven't earned that eye roll novelty parent!!!

Rule Three
*The Facebook Rule*

If you are looking after your children and letting the default parent pretend to be an actual adult human for an inhumanly disproportionate amount of time (Go, relax, enjoy yourself.. for 45 minutes, including 2 phone calls to see when you're home) Do. Not. Facebook. Brag.

My friend's husband did this recently and was publicly shamed with this meme...

Happy weekend! 
Posted by Surviving Life & Motherhood on Saturday, 10 October 2015

Rule Four
*The Unsolicited Advice Rule*

You may or may not know how much I HATE people giving me parenting advice. Here's my flow-chart to help you understand:

Might print this off actually and hand it to my darling co-parent after he spends a day with the kids. Just because you got the baby to eat spinach/ keep his nappy on/ brush his teeth doesn't mean your technique or approach is better. It just means you're the novelty parent! They act different with you. End of.

Rule Five
*The Milestone Rule*
The baby did not roll-over for the first time on your watch. The toddler did not poo in the potty for the first time when the default parent was at work/the shops/ having her bi-annual haircut (once every 2 years, not twice a year). No one wrote their name for the first time, walked, crawled or so much as said "wheelbarrow" for the first time while the default parent was away.
If a milestone event happens to happen on your watch. Please, for the sake of the default parent's sanity, just keep schtum about it. 

Rule Six 
*The Treats Rule*

This is the newest addition to the novelty parent rulebook. NO junk food. Not for health reasons, there's no issue with the odd packet of chips. The problem is that if the novelty parent has doled out sweets or happy meals, the default parent doesn't have that option the rest of the week! Sometimes the default might want to forget about cooking dinner and get a happy meal but the damn novelty parent gave them a bloody novelty tea last night! GRRR. 

Rule Seven
*The Promises Rule*

Thou shalt not promise ANYTHING on behalf of the default parent. No, just no. 
"Sorry the swimming pool was shut kids, the default parent will take you swimming tomorrow."
Whaat?! No they won't!!! Shut up novelty parent!

Rule Eight
*The Rule Breaking Rule*

If you break a rule and/or the default parent looks like they might cry when you walk through the door at the end of the day, givng them a hot cup of tea and 15 minutes in a dark, quiet room will fix almost anything. 

1 comment:

  1. This is gospel. I will tell Daddy Pig he's famous. I think he regrets putting that stupid photo on FB after all the comments he's had and death threats from mums. Thanks for featuring me. Fab blog x