4 December 2015

Dear Ovaries, love Brain

Ovaries. Hi, Brain here, just a quick one,

We can all hear you and Womb screaming at us for another baby but I gotta tell you: We've had a meeting and no one else is up for it. Least of all me. So shut up.

I mean sure, we all love the vague IDEA of another baby. But please, just give us all a rest. I caught you the other day, making me have a weirdly realistic dream about feeling a baby kicking while I was in the supermarket. Stop that. It's creepy.

Yes, babies are cute and the last one can do jigsaw puzzles now so we definitely can't count him as a baby anymore... but can't we just wait, you know, maybe a decade or so?

Skin sent a memo last week saying it's been over 5 years since she had a tan. Come on, lets at least have the chance to be sun-kissed once or twice again before we give up the opportunity of foreign travel FOREVER. Ain't nobody got time for taking 3 kids on a plane. It's just not happening.

Hips are anti-baby too. Remember last time? They nearly COLLAPSED under the weight of that bump, I don't think they'd make it.

Also Belly. I know, I know, it would look better all stretched out over a baby... but that's only temporary and god only knows the state she'd be in after a third. She's also, justifiably, scared of being sliced open if you and Womb make another gigantic baby and poor broken Hips can't get it out. I mean, we were all lucky to get out alive considering the size of him. Any bigger and Baby number 3 could end up the size of a baby elephant.

Boobs, now they're on your side, but that's because they're dead inside. All they care about is the chance to look good again for a few precious months before they hide away forever like the lifeless carcasses they are. Also they live in hope that it'd be 3rd time lucky on the old making-enough-milk-to-feed-a-human thing. Poor deluded souls.

Feet say no, they didn't like the swelling.
Eyes also a no, they got dry and tired.
Oesophagus doesn't want the acid reflux.
Pelvic floor is definitely going to take some convincing.
Hair: no.
Gums: no.
Knees aren't sure they could take another 6 months of that stupid bouncy walk action.
Vocal chords feel like they're on the brink of being able to stop singing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star every day, so it's a no from them too.
Biceps still recall the pain of one handed sandwich making.
Hands just have no idea how having three children would even work when there's only two of them.

What about me eh? I've barely recovered the ability to form coherent sentences. I was absent without leave for at least solid years back there. I'm not ready to be turned into mush by all your crazy pregnancy hormones and don't even get me STARTED on what lack of sleep does to me. I just couldn't safely keep three children alive on the amount of sleep a newborn baby allows me.

Sure, sure, we could do cry it out next time, and bottle feed so Daddy could do the nights, I hear ya. I'm totally with you on those ideas... but you know Heart couldn't cope and she'd totally overrule me. Speaking of which, Heart is weak and easily led by you so stop pulling on her strings about the current baby's 2nd birthday ok? It's manipulative.

Some external correspondence from Bank Balance also suggests in no uncertain terms that your requests are DENIED. There's no cash for a 3 car seat car, let alone the money to pay bills on maternity pay, again.

Sorry ovaries, I'm going to have to use my veto here.

No baby. No baby. No.

So shut up with your wailing every time Nose smells a newborn, or Eyes see a tiny, weeny baby hat, or a 3rd cousin twice removed puts a scan picture on Facebook.

We're just not interested ok?

No means no.

Yes, baby shoes ARE adorable... but still no!

Kind regards,


PS Don't even think about using the "wouldn't it be nice to have no periods" trick!



  1. Haha! Love this. I Was nodding in agreement at pretty much all the above.
    Had my 2 boys pretty much back 2 back now 7 and 5 so definitely not babies anymore.... and yes I would like another one but NO for so many other reasons!
    It's when I'm at work and my mind starts telling me.... "if you just get pregnant you can have time off and you won't have to work for a while" - crafty!!
    Again yes.... but a big fat N-O

  2. Ha! As a mum of 3 boys I would say you know you want to really! 😉

  3. Brilliant post. I've not had any babies and there are days when I have this discussion, usually when I see/hear/smell a new baby.. or see a pregnant person.

    Brain (or as I occasionally call him, Brian) gets a good long run up and then let's off steam to Ovaries and Company. Heart throws a tantrum and eventually after a drink and a biscuit we agree, "just not yet".

    Someday, maybe. Just not yet.

  4. In light of your recent announcement, let me be the first to say :-D Congratulations!